After Devin Singer and I hid illustrated poems about chickens in Sharon’s house, she responded. Her alias is Dr. Richard Poulton, a renowned chicken researcher. I am pasting this response below.
Dr. Richard Poulton
College of Fowl Studies
Department of Theoretical Psychology
Dear Ms. Haist (and Accomplices),
It is with a most bizarre sense of satisfaction that I write to you today having (I believe) managed to discover the last of the Poem/Cartoons which was hidden so very cunningly. !
Whereas these efforts certainly demonstrate an amazing dedication to the promotion of Chickenhood, and my heart (what’s left of it) is warmed (or at least partially thawed) by the artistry shown in all of these interesting (if not partially incomprehensible) offerings, I must say that I have some reservations as to the general psychological well being of those involved. I can only guess that the perpetrators (I mean artists) have a tremendous amount of talent (or pathology) and way (way) too much free time.
I am also led to believe that he, she or they may need an extended amount of counseling; or perhaps actual commitment to the mental health facility of their choice.
It is this last thought which compels me to write to you today with what I must assure you are the most sincere intentions. My past (murky and disjointed as it may be) has put me in touch with many who suffer from similar symptoms as, it would appear, are exhibited by those involved with this perplexing event. I have found that these early manifestations of fowl zealotry are indications of an underlying taxological dysphoria which, if left untreated, can lead to a number of frankly miserable complications.
These can include the subject’s delusional belief that he or she has been born into the wrong species altogether. This sad and sorry state often develops in the early teenage years and can be so overwhelming that the patient may seek to have a dangerous and often times disastrous surgery the details of which I will abstain from relating in this letter. Suffice it to say that such inappropriate yearnings in young people must be snuffed out by any and all parents, guardians or mentors who are acting in a responsible capacity with regards to the minor(s) in question. There lies an urgency in these situations which cannot be understated.
First and for most, the person(s) in question must be removed entirely from all sources of agitation by which I mean that there must be no exposure whatsoever to Gallus gallus domesticus. This will include dietary restrictions as well as visual and auditory exclusions. To be truly effective the community at large must cooperate to remove all such stimulus. In other words; it takes a village. Not the slightest stirring of a feather must be experienced by those who suffer from this affliction. I fear I must say that this will be a set of conditions which must be adhered to most strictly for the entirety of the patient’s lifetime.
It is with great sadness that I offer you this opinion as I am sure that you may have been under the misguided impression that this condition is benign and that the resulting deviant behavior was merely a harmless prank. Sadly, I feel it is my duty to inform you that those involved, at least from a psychological standpoint, are almost certainly doomed.
Yours in Regret,
Dr. Richard Poulton